Downhill from here?

I've been here for 3 months now and I'm undergoing many changes. I can feel it. Changes that are both good and bad. Its painful and its ugly but I hope that as a result of this metamorphosis I will become a stronger and better person.

There are days that I hate myself for not being stronger. And days that I praise myself for having exceeded my own expectations. Its a constant struggle, with its ups and downs. Achievements and setbacks. Successes and failures. Each day brings with it a new set of challenges with the occasional reward.

Things that once felt impossible have been accomplished. And things I thought would be easy are now starting to weigh on me. And as the hardships pile up, I'm constantly forced to reevaluate why I'm here and what I'm doing. With each "oh-shit-what-have-gotten-myself-into" situation, I have a momentary weighing process where I wonder if this is worth it. Or should I just give in and go home?

And each time I decide that YES, this IS what I want. I CAN do this. And I WILL make it through as a stronger, more confident person who knows that she is capable of anything.

I'm so frustrated and angry right now that I can hardly even type. I don't understand what the hell happened and how I got to where I am right now and I have a blurry stream of random thoughts passing through my head right now that I'm going to try to sort out.

Event number one: My phone buzzes about 9am with a message from Jenny: "llamame urgente." Apparently the police called her looking for me (I put her number on the police report way back when because my phone was gone) and told her that I needed to report to the police station in Crespo by 5pm tonight. I have no freakin clue as to why they need me to go to Crespo or what this even has to do with anything, because I was robbed 3 weeks ago and haven't heard peep after filing my report.

Event number two: Yesterday I was told by my TN manager that the Visa Coordinator called and said my visa forms had been processed by the ministry and everything was fine, my visa had been granted, and I would have my passport back by Thursday. Five minutes ago he comes running through the lab door and very somberly says "I need to speak with you, now. We have a problem." My visa, in fact, had not been granted because they don't give visas for under 3 months and because my traineeship ends in the end of June there is nothing they could do. So now what? And why the hell did the visa coordinator say it had been taken care of yesterday when it, in fact, hadn't been? How the hell did this happen?

My visa expires today. Not tomorrow. Not in two weeks. TODAY. I was told in January that we'd be applying for my visa in february not april, to make sure everything went smoothly. My passport wasn't even mailed until friday and that was only because I've been bugging my TN manager about my visa status for the past month. What the heck???

So now I'm being told that I have to pay a fee for an automatic extension for an additional month, which still won't take care of it since I'm here for 2.5 months more and that delays solving the problem of me not being granted another visa. WTF.

Event 1 and 2 collide: I need to go to the DAS for the 50 billionth time since I've been here today, because otherwise I can't get the extension because my visa will have already expired. I need to go to the police station and I have no idea why. And I'm still sitting in the lab because its the last day students can get their credit for this quarter and I've made too many promises that I'd be here til 4pm. Why does EVERYTHING have to collide at the same freakin time????

I have become a horrible blogger

Yes, I know I've been lacking on the updates lately. But my "silence" shouldn't be mistaken as nothing happening, because quite the opposite is true.

I find it hard to blog while I'm here because I have SO much happening that I can't process it all quick enough to jot it down in a way that would make sense to others. Instead I've been focusing more on writing in my journal, which I seem to prefer nowadays, especially since I can delve into my more personal thoughts and experiences without being afraid of who's reading it.

Life in Cartagena, while far from monotonous, has developed a sense of normality. Habits and behavioral patterns have started to emerge: going to work, going to centro or beaches on weekends, having "places" to go and things that need to be done. There's something to be said for finding comfort in small routines. Things that once felt so difficult and as if I'd never adjust to, like bargaining for prices or taking collectivos, have become regular parts of life. My Spanish is continuing to improve and its easier and easier to communicate with strangers in addition to people I know well. I still have off days where it seems as if I can't speak a frickin word, but for the most part I struggle through my mistakes and get my point across.

After being mugged, I went through about 3 weeks of solid fear. Every person on the street - male, female, black, white, young, old, Colombian, or gringo - was a potential threat. I jumped every time someone got too close to me and my heart sped up with every moto that went by. I avoided walking or going anywhere alone and stopped wearing all of my jewelry (not having a watch on was the worst...) and only carried purses when I had to.

Now, I feel much more confident and secure once again, but I think that having a certain level of "paranoia" is probably healthy. I'm actually grateful that I was able to have my bubble of security burst without having to get hurt because now I'm more careful, observant, and always aware of my surroundings. I guess about 150 bucks worth of shit and a few more trips to the DAS is worth it if it will keep me safer in the long run.

Things have been rough for my family back in the states, and as a result I've been talking to people at home a lot more. Part of me feels this is good because I'm keeping in touch, but I also feel more homesick and responsible to help deal with things as a result of it. The second consequence frustrates me beyond belief because I'm so far away and disengaged from their daily lives. My family also has the problem of pulling me into the middle of everything that is going on, and I have the problem of letting them. Damn divorces. I mediate. I'm the messenger. I'm the bearer of bad news and the bringer of light to situations.

Being a part of a family means being entwined in each other's lives, but right now its like I'm half living in their world and half in my own and I'm being forced to still play the roles they expect me to while not fully being involved in their lives. Sometimes I wish I could just choose to have it all or nothing, but unless I'm willing to shut one part out - my world, or theirs - I'm going to be stuck right where I am.

Conjunction Junction

I think this only exemplifies my nerdiness: I'm teaching conjunctions this week in class and the first thing that popped in my mind was "Conjunction junction, what's your functionnnn"



God I love School House Rock. I only hope my classes appreciate them as much as I do...