Happiness

five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes

One Year. It's a year to the day since the unimaginable accident that turned my family's world upside-down and set off a chain of events none of us could have ever foresaw. They say it takes time to heal, but this injury in both the literal and figurative sense is still taking longer to heal.

One year ago my 3 year old sister was playing at the kiddie table with her toys when she lost her balance and the chair tipped over. For any other toddler this would just be followed by a brief bout of tears, a hug perhaps, and then the child would be back on her feet again. But after over an hour when Chrissy's crying wouldn't stop and she wasn't showing any movement in her left side it became apparent that this wasn't just another childish boo-boo.

Countless doctors appointments and trips to specialists, at least 5 surgeries, three of which were on her spine, an almost deadly bacterial infection, 2 days in quarantine, 3 weeks in the P-ICU, and endless therapies, she's still not walking properly and the doctor tells us we're being impatient.

I think this whole year has helped my family finally stop and realize what's most important to us. In those horrible days while she was in the ICU and the doctors were running around trying to find out where her spinal fluid was coming from, or what the infection was, and whether or not she'd need yet another surgery, my family was literally sitting on pins and needles together. We had nothing but each other to turn to for comfort and support and because of that we're a better, stronger family.

So although we've "been through hell and back again" in this past year, I have no doubt that our impatience is justified. However, if patience is what's needed then patience we will acquire.

Dun-duh-duh-DUHHHH

It's actually happening. I keep waiting for some huge obstacle to appear and throw all my plans out the window, but so far, so good. I've tried real hard to keep myself emotionally detached until things were less of a "crazy idea" and more planned out. But after countless conversations with parents, advisers, offices, and friends I feel confident in saying I'M GOING ON EXCHANGE!!!

The plan as it stands now is to take next semester off and go teach in South America. The realization that this is changing from dream to reality is just hitting me and I'm flooded with emotions and anticipation. There is so much left to do in what seems like such a short time to make this happen, and my biggest problem is in making myself balance this among my other priorities because its all I can think about!

One Day, Someday

I just watched Freedom Writers. Aside from most of the authors' names I've read for my education class this semester flooding my mind, I'm unsure of my own reaction to the film.

Two years ago as a bright eyed and ignorant freshman I would have seen this film and said "Wow...what a great story!!! Ms G is my hero! Look what she did with those kids! Anything is possible!" But now, after opening my eyes to the "real world" (and believe me, I still have lots to learn...) I'm skeptical.

Obviously it was a great story and the fact that it is based on real life events takes a bit of the Hollywood skepticism away from it, but I still can't help feeling frustrated on so many different levels. Forget for a moment that this is a movie and any embellishments that may have been made on the real story and pretend that this is what happened verbatim. What about the rest of the students in the school who weren't in 203 English for the four years? Sure its great that 25 kids or so were inspired and went on to graduate, but the teaching methods and the classroom dynamic would not only be nearly impossible to replicate, but impractical on a larger scale in the current education system. It would take so many more Ms. Gs to actually change things on a larger scale in that way.

Its frustrating to not be able to see a clear cut solution to solve the education system. Normally I would expect this to disenchant me and cause me to distance myself, but instead I feel intense motivation because change has to start somewhere. So maybe there was something to Ms. G's teaching...if nothing else I hope her story inspired the teachers, administrators, and community to look at education in a different light. But inspiration won't change the country, action will. So now is the time that the inspired people need to band together and figure out what things can be done to actually create change.

Testing my patience

First this. Then that. Wait no, this first, then that and then this and this and this.

How do you prioritize things that are all pressing issues? Sometimes I feel like Christopher from The curious incident of the dog in the night-time and want to put my hands over my ears, start making noises, and rock back and forth to block out everything that is happening around me. But I don't have that luxury because picking up the pieces of everyone else's messy lives is my job.

I can remember only a few of the numerous conversations I've had with people about why I became a RA and why I love it. Unfortunately it's gotten to the point where I'm no longer enjoying it. The fun repeatedly gets zapped out of everything I try to do here because I am constantly being pulled away to fix this, mediate that, and take charge. Instead of building a community, I feel as though I'm watching this one fall apart as we all try to frantically piece things together.

This is not what I envisioned for myself and for the first time I'm looking at this position as a job rather than an experience I chose for myself.

I just have to make it through this semester and then, God willing, the drama will end.

The waiting game

Excitement.
Anticipation.
Frustration.

A whirlwind of emotions and decisions, overshadowed by the need to focus on the here and now.

I just have to make it through these next few weeks. And then, perhaps I'll embark on a new adventure?