Silence

I saw Invisible Children for the third time tonight and I had expected that by this point I would have become desensitized to a certain extent. However, the reaction was quite different and for the third time when the film ended it was as if all the air was sucked from my lungs and my whole body had been filled with lead. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. It was as if I was paralyzed and the whole lounge was eerily silent.

We'll be having a discussion on it next week because most of my residents were also cemented in that catatonic state of shock.

My heart is beeping...

Smile :)

You know what makes me happy? Hearing from an old friend that he plans on spending time abroad, especially when this particular person is someone I never would have expected to do so.

Moral Reasoning

I think that taking a Philosophy course may have been a poor life decision, as my friend Nichole would say. I already have a tendency to think a bit too much about things and analyze each decision until my head hurts and my friends are sick of hearing about it.

Now once you start throwing all this stuff about act ultilitarianism, rule ultilitarianism, and the categorical imperative at me the questions just won't stop. What exactly is morality and why are humans obsessed with it? More importantly, if there are so many different definitions of what morality is (or should be) and how to act morally, then how can any one theory be correct? I'm beginning to think that there might be more to ethical relativism than meets the eye...hmmmm

Oh well, if this class doesn't cause me to go into contemplative overdrive then it will definitely build my vocabulary. Try teleological and deontological on for size...

Until its gone

Why is it that you usually have to "lose" something in order to realize how much it means to you? Why does it take that missing feeling in order to recognize importance?

Growing up I never would have told you that I was close with my brother. We fought all the time and by fought I mean bickered to the point where my parents threatened to drop the two of us off on the side of the road during car rides because we wouldn't shut up. And when we weren't fighting, we were usually avoiding eachother and off doing our own thing - I had my barbies, he had his "guys." Whenever my parents or relatives would tell me how close the two of us were or how nice it would be for us to have eachother when we were adults, I'd laugh: why would I want to be "friends" with my brother?

It's taken me leaving home to realize how close the two of us really are. I don't completely understand it because we never really talked when I was at home. Sure, I'd impatiently help him with his homework or advise him on which classes to take, but very rarely did we ever talk talk. Even when things at home were bad we'd sometimes laugh it off, but most of the time we'd sit together in silence, for there was no explanation needed. But there must have been something shared in those silences that brought us so close together over all the years.

Very rarely do I remember my dreams, and even when I do they are usually obscure. But lately, I've been dreaming about my brother. Maybe its the fact that we talk a lot more lately and we confide in eachother. Maybe its the fact that we're planning his next trip to Cornell and I'm secretly hoping he falls in love and decides to come here for school. Maybe its the fact that I'm worried about what the stress at home is doing to him. Whatever it is, I think I finally realize how important he is to me and that the brother-sister bond is something special.

Decisions, decisions

To risk the financial fuck and buy a ticket to Morocco, that is the question...

I'm a people person

Have you ever taken the time to walk slowly back from class and just people watch? I find that all too often I'm rushing from destination to destination that I forget this simple pleasure. It's so intriguing to watch Cornell students scurry around campus, each so absorbed in their own little world. Why is he smiling? Why is she in a rush? Who's he talking to on the phone and where is she headed?

There are so many people I have not met and so many I never will. At first this thought is semi-depressing, but after further contemplation it is actually refreshing. It means that the next 2.5 (or 3.5) years I will continuously see new faces, meet new people, and have the ability to people watch unnoticed.

There's no easing into it

The semester has officially started and I've had to hit the ground running in all areas. So much for making time to catch my breath...My week is officially booked and surprisingly its mostly McLLU stuff. The next month is officially crunch time. Ready, set, go.

We had one hell of a LT retreat this weekend. Its amazing how much better these things get each time we have them. If I hadn't been there myself I don't think I would believe that we came up with some of the stuff we did. Our LT really is amazing and we're going to do some awesome stuff this semester. @CN is a force to be reckoned with.

As for me, I have an induction conference (aka LC retreat) to plan, a recruitment drive to run, a shit ton of McLLU programs to pull off (including a screening of Invisible Children ;) ), and so many meetings to attend that I can't even keep them all straight. It will be a wonder if I make it to all of them at the right time on the right days...but that's what planners are for! Oh yeah, and I'm making a last minute trip home for the weekend to help out, which ought to be interesting for multiple reasons ;)

Wow this is probably the most scatterbrained entry ever but I don't even have time (or energy) to go back through and clean it up. Oh well, like Leah says: "I'll sleep when I'm 30!"

Weighing me down

Everything is moving in slow motion. I feel like I'm on the outsidelooking in. I no longer feel connected to what I'm doing or most of the people I'm talking to. Everything I see has this hazy glow to it as if I'm dreaming and none of this is real. I'm mimicking what I normally do but its like I'm going through the motions of life with no meaning, feeling, or joy. I'm just...empty.

I've gone through spells like this before, but never have they lasted more than a day. Its beginning to get tiresome and monotonous and I can't seem to snap myself out of it.

The power of positive thinking

There are days in life when you realize that you just need to slow down. That it is important to stop, realize all the amazing people and things around you and appreciate it for all its worth. This is how each day over the past week has felt for me. This whole experience has forced me to put my life in perspective and come to grips with what is truly important to me. When crisis strikes, everything in life seems trivial except for the few things you really care about. While these types of situations are never pleasant and often have devastating outcomes, they are exceedingly important. For without times of sickness, you will never fully appreciate the value of your health.

My mother has always been a firm believer that things always happen for a reason. Sometimes I think she may be right, and if so then perhaps this, however unfair and unpleasant, is meant to make my family slow down and appreciate eachother. I feel like I've finally broken that barrier with my parents where I am their adult child. The change has come from both parties, too. They now respect me as an adult, appreciate my views, and turn to me for emotional support. In return, I no longer look to them for consent, but rather guidance and acknowledge that they are human and need help at times too. This breakthrough is a positive outcome. Me getting to bond with my little brother and sister: positive outcome.

While if I had a choice, I would definitely pick to have a happy, healthy, pain-free Chrissy over the outcomes, I find it comforting to know that at least some good can come from a horrible experience. It is part of the natural human response to revert to fear, sadness, and anger in times of crisis as an intial response. However, my optimism has returned and hopefully, together, we can all make it through this a stronger family.

Ironically, I found this while cleaning:

Principles of Positive Thinking

• Our thoughts have power over our feelings and attitudes.
• You can change yourself by changing your thoughts.
• Positive thinkers use faith to gain control of their problems.
• Fear and worry are conquered by practical spiritual methods; meditation and prayer increase vitality and peace of mind.
• A positive mind leads to improved health and well-being.
• Positive thinkers overcome mistakes, forgiving themselves and others.
• The practice of positive imaging instills the courage and confidence to acheive your goals.
• Enthusiasm leads to action.
• Positive attitudes create more enduring and fulfilling relationships.
• Positive thinking is achievable by all people.
  

Back to reality

When I discovered that I was going to have to spend 2 hours in a car with my aunt on the way back to CU, my immediate reaction was 'Shoot me now!' It's not that I don't like her...just that she's extremely opinionated, high maintenance, and in the current state I'm operating in I just didn't feel like dealing with her. However, it wasn't nearly as bad as I expected, as are most things in life. Have you ever noticed that the worst part of anything is the waiting? Once its actually happening or after it just isn't all that bad.

Anyways, so I'm back at school despite my protesting that I should skip RA training, suffer the consequences (extra on-calls, etc), and stay to help out the family. My parents insisted that I've helped enough and that I need to get back to school. While I feel terrible because I know I really am needed back home, I'm definitely relieved. You begin to have a new appreciation for all those stressed out parents after playing 'mommy' for a few weeks. I'm so ready to go back to being a self-absorbed college kid again and only being responsible for myself. Hopefully all the training/ activity here will keep my mind off everything back home and hopefully my parents won't burn themselves out with the 6 hour shift hospital schedule they've devised. These next few weeks are going to be extremely rough on them.

I'm kind of in a zombie mood right now. I can't even focus long enough to unpack. Everyone else here looks so refreshed and excited and here I am being the "debbie downer" of the group. They're all sharing stories about Key West, the Dominican, Disney World, nights out with friends, etc and I realized that I didn't do anything I wanted to do for fun at all this break, including seeing my friends. Its not that I mind really but I guess I wish I could have at least come back to school on more than 3 hours of sleep and with a clear head. I realized that I have sooo much to do: RA crap, research work, @ stuff, AND keeping my family from jumping ship.

When Life Hands You Lemons...

...You make lemonade.

Stayin' strong at Strong and I'm optimistic.

Been through ringer...

Dear Chrissy,

Please be ok. You have to be ok. You're my little super-trooper and I know that if anyone can make it through this, you can. I hate seeing you like this. I hate seeing you in so much pain and if I could take it all away from you I would. I'm not sure why all of this is happening to you but this just proves that life is definitely not fair. I only wish you didn't have to learn this at such a young age. You may be my little sister, but you have the biggest personality in our family and I can't wait to see your smiling face lighting up the world again. So please please please fight this off with just as much stamina as you have when you're resisting being called cute. Please get better so you can go back to playing go-fish, watching Dora, and tattling on me and doing all the things a kid your age should.

Love,
Your big sis Li-Li

Scared Shitless and I don't know what to do

It seems that in my last entry I forgot to mention the effect of things outside my locus of control. And it just so happens that those things are the generally the scariest because its not something you can predict or prepare for which makes it all the more frustrating.

I am filled with nervous energy (surprising for this time in the morning) but there is absolutely nothing I can do at this point but wait and hope for the best.

Where there's life, there's hope. ~Cicero

Reflections

The future. I used to think I had limited control over it, which was replaced by having control over my own actions. But now, I realize that I can shape my future. I'm in the driver's seat which is where I have found this new sense of self. I am no longer afraid because I know I have control.

Needless to say this has lead to many sleepless nights and endless daydreams in which my future consumes my thoughts. What do I want to do? Who do I want to be? Where do I see myself in 5 years? 10? 20? And most importantly, what do I want to get out of my life?

While I'm still battling these questions armed with countless ideas but few decisions, I have found it easier to look at what I don't want. I don't want to be one of those people who sits around waiting for good things to come to them. I don't want to let others influence my decisions and make me doubt my own abilities. I don't want to ever get so comfortable with my life that I abandon my own ambitions.

And after spending a week in the wealthiest county in the US, I realized a few more things about myself. I don't want to be consumed by financial gain that I forget my true passions. I don't want to live in a community where other people's greed and/or ignorance posion my own life and my family. I also don't want to ever be too busy to give back and help others.

Each and every "not" statement can be reversed and made into a positive statement and serve as a reminder to myself of how I do want to lead my life. I made some pretty big discoveries about myself and in an effort to see my newfound ambitions through these are some of the things I want to do:

• Volunteer at the Ronald McDonald House in Rochester this summer in an effort to give back for all the RMH in Delaware has done for my family.
• Make a greater effort to maintain close relationships and really know my brothers and sisters because I always want to be a part of their lives.
• Take more risks and really go after what I want. Each time I think of this Summer Catch comes to mind: "If you want big rewards, you gotta take big risks"
• Make more time for reading, especially when school work seems overwhelming because that is when I need the break most.
• Be a better friend. I know this past year I've neglected and alienated some of the people I used to be closest to because I simply did not have the time. I want to be there for those people regardless of how crazy my own life may be.
• Be honest with myself in terms of my time commitments and my own capabilities. I want to ensure that I don't overextend myself and have another burnout.
• Take the time to enjoy life's simple pleasures. Be it an afternoon spent in the park, coffee with a friend, or playing catch with my dog.
• Trust my instincts. There are so many times where I hold back because I lack the confidence and afterwards I'm kicking myself because my initial instict was right.

I guess some would call these "resolutions" but resolutions seem too oft to be broken. So instead they're more of a "To-do" of things I want to (and will) acheive.

Drained

This break has been far from relaxing and I feel just as drained now as I did during the semester. I had such high hopes for accomplishing things this break and I haven't done much more than spend time with/ take care of family. I know that its not completely bad, but I really think I need some down time too. Unfortunately, this seems impossible considering I have only a week left before I head back to campus and I have a shit ton of stuff to do before hand.

And to top it all off, I went to my bro's basketball game this morning and he ends up fracturing his elbow after being tripped and pushed by this dipshit redhead who kept fowling everyone. Coincidentally, the ref called a travel on HIM. So now I have two injured siblings--one who is excessively cranky because she's in so much pain and the other who is starring in the district play this weekend. The director (my old teacher and director) is going to throw a fit when she finds out...

On a more positive note, I've been exploring options for my career and life and am confident that I'll make the right decisions when the time comes. This is new for me and I like it.

I love books

I have rediscovered my passion for reading and aim to never let it go again. Last week I finished The Alchemist and tonight I just read Who Moved My Cheese?, both of which had a strong impact.

I'm still digesting all I've taken in, but I'm becoming increasingly convinced that the seemingly most complex things can really be explained in the simplest of terms.

Next up, finishing The Privilege of Youth (sequel to A Child Called "It" and The Lost Boy) and then starting From Good to Great. Let the pages keep a'turning!

He knew sometimes some fear can be good. When you are afraid things are going to get worse if you don't do something, it can prompt you into action. But it is not good when you are so afraid that it keeps you from doing anything. ~Spencer Johnson, MD from Who Moved My Cheese?

Be it ever so humble there's no place like hooooome

I'm finally back in NY. My sister's surgery went well and she's in better spirits than I would have anticipated considering she's still in excruciating pain.

I spent 8 days in VA and am physically and emotionally drained. Today was the first time I saw Chrissy since the 26th and she no longer needs a neckbrace! I'm so thankful that she's ok and if any good has come from this ordeal, it's that I now know how important my family is to me. I've heard it said that crisis brings a family together, and I honestly think that this had a strange yet similar effect for me. I don't know if I would have even spent this winter break at home had it not been for her surgery. But I realized how much those little kids mean to me and why I value having a close relationship with them.

I have lots to catch up on and lots to do before I head back to CU in just 10 short days, but for tonight I'll settle for some good ole R&R.