Thoughts as I end my third semester classes

Do you ever get the feeling that life is moving too fast and that somehow you might get left behind? When I was younger I used to wish that someday I would wake up and be 2 years old all over again and my family would be the picture perfect example of 'Leave it to Beaver.' While I no longer wish I could go back in time, this whole concept of past, present, and future can be concerning.

I have this fear that I'm going to wake up in 10 or 15 years and wonder where my life went. I spend so much time wrapped up in my own thoughts that I rarely stop to appreciate the present. Right now I'm constantly looking ahead and I wonder how much I am missing by living in the future. I think I need to slow down before I really do let 10 years pass me by without fulling enjoying the here and now.

The Homestretch

Despite the throbbing headache and nausia I've had the past 24 hours I've managed to really think through and come to grips with a few issues that have been bothering me. While there is always more thinking to be thought, I'm in a relatively good place with most aspects of my life and no longer feel like the floor is falling out beneath me.

This semester has been a tremendous growing experience for me and I can't believe it is coming to an end already. The girl going home this winter will be a completely different person than the one who showed up for RA training in the fall. So much learning and growing, and yet it seems as though August was just last week. Oh, how time flies! I can only wonder what great discoveries and realizations I will find in the spring.

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us. ~Marcel Proust

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! :)

*Snaps* for...LIFE

Ok, so blame it on the sleep deprivation or the strawberry cupcakes Emma baked tonight, but I am BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS EXCITED. I don't remember ever being excited about going home since I came to Cornell, but now I'm officially antsy.

I've also been plain silly since I handed my paper in at 4pm, and I think all of my residents are surprised to see me with any energy at all. Lately I've been wandering the halls as a zombie, barely even recognizing people when they say hi. But now i'm hyper, bouncy, and most of all happy :)

I should be writing a paper but this is distracting me

Ok, so hands down, my favorite class of the semester is PAM 336: Evolving Families: Challenges for Public Policy. I'm actually surprised I haven't blogged about more of the things we discuss in class because it is incredibly interesting.

Anyways, the topic these days is work-family balance, especially regarding women (duh!). For today's one of the pieces we read was The Opt-Out Revolution by Lisa Belkin, which looked at Princeton grads who are choosing to "opt-out" of the workforce and stay home with their children. Seeing as there is an overwhelming majority of women in my class, you can bet this article sparked a heated debate. The initial reaction of pretty much the whole class was "why would these women waste their time with an ivy league education if they just want to stay home?" However, the discussion soon moved to the larger social context of their decisions.

We had one group of "feminist" (i hate that word...) views saying that these women are sacrificing everything the feminist movement worked toward, especially since they have the opportunities for the highest jobs. They were challenged by another group of "feminists" who argued that these women were just interpreting the movement as providing them with a choice of whether to work or stay at home. Then there were a large group of people who felt that the real reason this was bothersome is that these women may have the ability to choose to work or not, but what about the majority of women who aren't in the position to do so because of unfriendly-family policies in the workplace? These "elite" ivy-school grads are the ones who are in the position to actually change the system and improve family policy across the board. Lastly we had the sole libertarian view (by a male) who felt that this is an individualistic nation and that why would these women waste their time changing a system that has worked for them.

The third view point really sparked my interest. To what extent is it the responsibility of professional women to change the system for the rest of women workers? The United States has far less family-friendly policies than the majority of Western European countries, with less flexibility in terms of part-time opportunities, maternity leave, child sick-days, etc. One argument as to why Europe has "better" policies is that women don't have the same equality as in the U.S. and therefore have their first priority as being a mother. While I think that the U.S. definitely would benefit from better social policies, I'm not sure equality in the workplace is viable or even reasonable. No, I'm not proposing that we return to a misogynist society, but if you think about it purely from an economic standpoint is it reasonable to have equality in the workplace between men and women? Women are different biologically--you don't see men up and leaving for 6+ weeks to go pop out a kid. While I don't necessarily think it's right to discriminate on this basis, I can understand why employers would be hesitant to hire a woman who is in her childbearing years. Not to mention then that when a woman re-enters the workforce she has missed a significant amount of work and will inevitably be distracted by her new child she's leaving in daycare or whatever. In some sense I think Europe may be closer to the balance every mother is looking for--more flexibility in the workforce for a sacrifice in pay. I'm not saying this is fair or desirable, but it makes sense.

Obviously, the optimal solution is to find a way to allow women to exit and enter the workforce without any negative reprocussions to their employer or themself and I feel that policy adjustment may be the solution to this.

Just on a side note, my professor walked into class today toting her 3-year old son. Try giving a lecture on work-family balance while wheelbarrowing your son across the front of the room...However distracting this may have been, I appreciated seeing the friendly face of a little kid for a change. And just for the record, liking kids really does make men that much more attractive. There's this guy in my class who I have never been attracted to until I saw his face light up at the sight of Benjamin sumersaulting across the room and drawing on the whiteboard with a highlighter. I hate how that maternal instinct kicks in before it ever has a chance to register...

Everywhere I look, I can't seem to escape it

"Bisolara outlines the central tenets of participatory evaluation and emphasizes that 'the process of the evaluation (and what is learned throughout the process) is an important outcome.' Also charactistic of this genre of evaluation practices is the importance of including stakeholders, sustaining dialogue among diverse voices to gain a holistic understanding of the program, and the various roles assumed by the evaluator, such as facilitator, change agent, and educator." (Caracelli 104-105)

"The chapter by Rossman and Rallis views stakeholders as partners in the contruction of knowledge. The evaluator and the primary partner, the program leadership, engage in a process of learning through dialogue, exploration, and critique in which use is action. In this partnership, the evaluator serves such roles as teacher, resource, and facilitator and may be looked on as 'old friend.' In critical inquiry, use is inherent in the inquiry process itself, and the outcome of learning has the potential to result in social change" (Caracelli 106)


So I come across these in an article I'm reading for work and what do you think immediately jumps out at me? Funny how everything in my life seems so interconnected and how AIESEC can relate to it all.

3 days and counting

You know, in light of everything going on and the fact that I stayed in Ithaca this summer, I'm actually a bit excited to go home. I think my high school friendships have finally gotten to that point where it will be cool and less awkward to hang out. Sure Rochester may not be the hot spot of the country, but there are some things I miss...Earthtones, my Wegmans, Strong Museum, E-hots, Greenwood park, the pier, Plank South playground (hehe), the Eastman House, my high school...besides, it's the people, not the places that make it home.

I have another weekend with Melinda to look forward to (I wonder if we'll ever get sick of eachother...nahhh), great food, family (minus stepdad's drama), turkey day, black friday, a trip to e-hots, and seeing friends from home. How could I not be excited?

My home is not a place, it is people. ~Lois McMaster Bujold

Ahhh :(

I think I jynxed myself earlier this semester when I talked about everything going so well. AIESEC is still great, school is to be expected, RAing couldn't be better, but my family, the most important part of them all, is spiraling into tougher and tougher times. I should really be there right now. I've never had a time where my parents needed my support.

Unfortunately, it looks like I won't be able to make it to WSC this year, which really sucks. Shit, who am I kidding? This whole situation sucks. My family's been through shit many times before, but this, this is so much different. This time it's completely outside everyone's control and we're all in it together. They say that in times of crisis families are driven closer together, and perhaps this will be the case. Regardless, I need to be home and that's that.

Back to reality

With We Grow behind me (but very much on my mind) it's hard to get back into Cornell life. I have so many ideas and so many things I want to do in our LC that I could easily fill the rest of the semester with @ stuff but unfortunately that's not possible. Thanksgiving break is less than a week away and finals are just around the corner which will make it hard to do much more than begin planning for next semester. Where did all the time go?

If I had to pick a time where I felt more empowered, impassioned, and enthusiastic than ever before, it would definitely be last week. Everything aiesec-wise just seemed to click and by the end of the week I found myself hugging people goodbye that I felt I had known for years. This conference was the @ pick-me-up I needed in order to stay motivated.

I can honestly say that I went into the conference very skeptical--skeptical of our reality, the organization on a whole, and our place in the world. I was becoming un-impassioned with the organization and wondering if all this work we put into it was really worth it. It seems like we spend so much time designing processes and documents that by the time we get around to actually implementing them it's time to go back to the drawingboard and start over again. I felt like @ on a whole was running in circles and I wasn't sure if there was really any forward movement.

After the first day of the conference, believe it or not, this skepticism strengthened and I began to wonder if I even belonged here. Hearing people use buzz words and not being able to actually define them or describe what our organization does without the @ jargon was incredibly de-motivating. I began to question everything, including my own participation in the organization. I tend to be a very idealistic and optimistic person, so for me to reach this rock bottom feeling in terms of @ was huge for me. But reflecting on it now I see that I had to question and challenge everything in order to truly appreciate and understand the organization.

After a series of conversations with Mel surrounding the topic, and another day of sessions it hit me--all of this "bullshit" process creation and paperwork is where people develop their own leadership skills. Suddenly the smoke cleared and everything seemed to fall into place. It was such a simple concept, yet the key piece of the puzzle I was missing. "By developing individuals..." I can't even really synthesize what exactly clicked, but suddenly my passion, motivation, and enthusiasm kicked back in and I was a re-energized AIESECer.

I thought back to how much I had learned designing sessions and planning for Induction this year. They key realizations weren't about AIESEC or about designing sessions, but rather about myself. I learned my own strengths, weaknesses, and interests. This self-awareness is crucial to realizing your own potential and becoming a better leader. I obviously haven't completely sorted out all of this yet, but one thing I am sure about is that AIESEC fosters an environment where it is ok to make mistakes. If the organization ran 100% efficiently, with no bumps in the road, then I'm not sure people would be learning anything (or at least not as much). I really believe that you learn so much more from failures than successes, especially about yourself. So what am I saying? Obviously there needs to be a good balance between allowing mistakes and ensuring the organization is being well cared for--especially since we have other stakeholders to consider. But when it comes down to new initiatives and LC operations people are going to make mistakes. Things will fall through the cracks. Initiatives will fail and things will go wrong. But, that's ok. This is all a part of being student run and a part of people going from unaware college student to self/culturally aware leader.

This doesn't mean that we should take mistakes lightly, but rather than freak out about them we need to learn from them. This is one area I definitely need to work on. But now that I see all of this I really believe that I can relinquish some of this fear I always have that things won't work out. I seem to have mastered the art of worrying. If I redirect all of that energy and time into something useful think of all the things I could do!

The rest of the conference I was able to really see what it is @ does and more importantly why. I left the conference with a much greater appreciation and understanding and I can't wait to take all the knowledge and ideas and really get this Salaam project off the ground.

*PICTURES FROM THE CONFERENCE HERE*

Aside from that, I really REALLY missed Cornell and our LT while I was gone. Don't get me wrong...I would have much preferred staying in sunny Albufeira and having amazing conversations with @ers from all over Europe for a bit longer, but I really did miss everyone back here. I love how close we've all gotten this year and I really appreciate the supportive, quirky, energizing environment we've created.

Vision without action is merely a dream. Action without vision just passes the time. Vision with action can change the world. ~Joel Barker

In the airport...

Exhausted, jetlagged, but back in the States after an amazing conference. I've been traveling for almost 24 hours and there's still a plane, a bus, and a taxi separating me from my bed back in Ithaca. More details, pictures, and scandalous stories to come soon, I promise.

It's way too early

1. Course enroll is a bitch
2. I leave TODAY!!!!


JTFs is acting up, at least one of my classes is full, I have tons of reading I still need to do for work and class, and I have like four grocery bags full of things for global village that needs to be stuffed into my already jam packed suitcase. And yet, I'm way too fucking excited to care. In a matter of hours I will be on a plane to Portugal and all will be well. :)

Say it isn't so...

I feel like I continue to walk that fine line between feeling good for pursuing my own dreams and feeling guilty for putting my family on the back burner. I know that this is supposed to be "my time to shine," but its hard to be enthusiastic and independent when I know things aren't going well at home.

My little sister (turning 3 this month) took a seemingly inconsequential fall off a chair last week, which has now turned into a potentially serious medical problem. Chrissy was diagnosed with achondroplasia at birth and has fortunately had no complications this far. However, it appears she now may have spinal chord damage that either caused or was a result of the fall. One of the main complications associated with achondroplasia is spinal stenosis, which is the compression of the spinal chord. After her spill last week, Chrissy stopped walking and has lost movement in the left side of her body and her doctors at Dupont think that her fall may have been a result of the spinal stenosis affecting both her balance and movement. However, if she does have spinal stenosis she'll have to have major surgery on her spinal chord very soon. It is still possible that she fell just the right way to pinch the nerve and that it could go away on its own. The fact that she is beginning to walk (albeit very shaky) again is a good sign and that's all we can ask for at this point--good signs and good news. My parents are driving to Delaware on Monday so she can see her specialists at Dupont who will hopefully be able to give them answers.

The poor kiddo doesn't even understand what's going on, and aside from being frustrated with limited movement, is acting like her normal happy self. When you ask her what happened she says "I fall down and go boom. I say ouch" with a big 'ole smile on her face. It just goes to show you that oblivion really is bliss...or maybe we should take a lesson or two from little kids.

I have such a big week ahead of me and I feel kind of guilty knowing that my family is dealing with so much. Especially because here I am missing school to go to a conference and I haven't even been home to visit, let alone help out, since July. If it weren't for the fact that I'm flying out of Rochester I wouldn't have gone home until Thanksgiving--making it 5 months.

I hate feeling guilty for missing out on so much because I know that this is "my time," but I can't help it. I went from being heavily involved in every aspect of my younger siblings' lives to not seeing them for months at a time. My six year old brother makes my eyes well up every time he calls with the numerous "I miss you"s and "when are you coming home"s with an occasional "why do you have to go to college far away" thrown in. I really want to go after my dreams and aspirations but it kills me to have to severe ties with my family to do so.

Now, please!

Realization: I am an impatient person.

Why is waiting so difficult? More importantly, why is waiting so difficult for me? I remember being a little girl, eagerly awaiting my turn to open my Christmas presents (as is the Bober family tradition) and my Grandmother tell me that the anticipation is the best part. Because once you unwrap the package and see what's inside the limitless possibilities are suddenly confined by it's contents and regardless of what the gift is the fun of guessing is over.

So let's say that this is true when it comes to presents. But is it true in more aspects of life? Is waiting really the best part? If so, then why am I so impatient and anxious when I am forced to wait?