Reminiscing...

You have no idea how much I miss my girls all being together! McLLU just isn't the same with Tiff at U Penn and Mel in c-town :( We used to have the best time just hanging out as the 26-teeners. Tiff needs to come back to visit again!!!

Nuts. Every family has a few...

So my mom freaked when I mentioned that I might be going to Portugal for We Grow. I expected her to spazz, but when I say she freaked, I mean she went full blown Lady Macbeth psycho on me. Apparently I am going to be abducted, raped, and die and if I go I'll be a terrible person and will ruin the lives of all my little siblings because when I die it will crush them. Now isn't that a bringer-upper? I just can't wait to see what she says when I tell her I'll be doing a traineeship in Latin America or better yet, Salaam.

It really irritates me that my parents have no concept of the world outside the US. I mean its one thing to not be interested in traveling, but a completely other to be so paranoid that they blow things so far out of proportion that they never leave their own doorstep. I'm not saying that safety shouldn't be a concern and that it isn't important to do everything you can to minimize the risks, but this is PORTUGAL!

I tried to explain to her that this is what I want to do with my life. I want to travel, see the world, experience different cultures, and hopefully make a positive impact on society. I want to go to the places where I can make a difference, and those may not be the safest places in the world. I just can't seem to get through to them that this is exactly what AIESEC is about--bridging those gaps so that people can feel safe to travel and learn about cultures. But nothing is going to change if people are all too afraid to travel and get to know other cultures! Someone has to go there and work toward making things better, and my whole theory is that if you can see that and are able to then you have an obligation to.

So why not me? Why shouldn't I be the one working toward peace and a more secure world? I went through that whole thing with integrity a month or so ago and this fits right into that category. If I say I'm about making a difference, then I'm going to go out and make a difference--with or without parental support. At least that's one benefit to paying your own way through college...if they aren't dishing out the dough then they can't withhold it, end of story.

Going back to the We Grow issue, I had a long convo with my dad tonight and even though I was going to avoid telling him I figured it was better to do damage control and ensure that he heard it from me rather than my nutty mother who would distort every detail. He was surprisingly, well, as Luke would put it, stable. I'm not going to say he was excited or even accepting, but compared to my mother he was relatively supportive. His concerns are more practical--will everything be planned in advance, will I have all my schoolwork taken care of, where will I get the money to pay for it until I'm reimbursed, etc. It's nice to know that at least one parent is still somewhat sane...

All I know is, that as stressed as I get with life here at Cornell, it is nowhere near as bad as the stress that comes from family. At least this stress is self inflicted--with my family it's mostly out of my control, and that's something I've been focusing on a lot lately: my circle of control. I'm working on worrying about things inside my control, and letting go of things outside of it. We'll have to see how that one turns out...

They say that blood is thicker than water. Maybe that's why we battle our own with more energy and gusto than we would ever expend on strangers. ~David Assael

Wasting Time...

I hate how when I have so much to do that I end up doing everything but what needs to get finished. Procrastination comes all too easily when I have too little and too much to do, and I clearly have too much to do at this point. A problem set, 2 papers, and 3 prelims makes for one hell of a week until fall break...

The only thing to keep me going at this point is the possibility of We Grow in Portugal in November...keep your fingers crossed!!!

Being sick sucks! ~Natalie "Halle Berry" Cook, RHD of Dickson

All this HD reading has me thinking...

According to theorists, a stressful childhood can be detrimental to some children but not others. The ones who are able to be lead normal lives display characteristics of resilience and have been armed with certain things that serve as a shield from the emotional trauma. These things are: personal characteristics, a warm parental relationship, social support outside the immediate family, and a strong community.

Reading the descriptions of each, I couldn't help but relate it to my own life and childhood. While I realize that this is only one theory, it seemed to fit me so well and I wonder how much of who I am today was determined by those four factors mentioned above.

Personal Characteristics: People with a "sunny disposition" and positive outlook on life often fare better when faced with tough situations. Also, people respond differently to an easy going, positive child rather than a difficult and reactive one. I never thought about how my own optimism and ease had affected how people dealt with me as a child. Rather than receiving negative responses from my parents and other caretakers, I provoked good reactions, which then allowed me to form positive relationships with others. These relationships then helped me in all other aspects of my life.

A Warm Parental Relationship: This was the one thing I had always considered to be the reason I "ended up ok." No matter how terrible things were with my mom, my dad and I always maintained a close relationship. If anything, I think the problems with my mom drove me to be closer with my father than most children are with either parent. There has never been a doubt that this was a key factor in my development and the shaping of my personality.

Social Support Outside the Immediate Family: This one also didn't come as a big surprise. When my parents split and things got nasty, my aunts--on both sides of the family--were the first ones to step in. I was even shipped off to Binghamton for 2 weeks, when apparently the "shit hit the fan" back in the Bober household. It's funny how bad situations drive family closer together than good times. However, I will be eternally grateful to my aunts and grandparents for stepping in and being there for me when I needed it most. I'll never forget being in 10th grade and feeling like I had no one to turn to because my family seemed to be collapsing once again, but then my aunt took me shopping and out to lunch and somehow it was easier to talk to her than anyone else--parents, friends, whoever. To this day, I feel like if I ever had a serious problem she'd be the first one I'd go to.

A Strong Community: If a child gets involved with activities outside of the house (ex. extracurriculars) they serve as an outlet from the stress at home. This is definitely true in my case--especially in high school. In 9th grade things were relatively stable at home, and when I say stable I mean as stable as they ever were. Nonetheless, when things started flying off the handle, I started applying myself more at school and finding every activity under the sun to keep me out of the house as long as possible. Taking more APs and "enriched" courses was my way of ensuring every waking hour at home could be filled with some school related task--something my parents wouldn't dare pry me away from. It got to the point where I no longer knew if I was stressed because of homelife or school stuff, and I liked that. I had something to completely take my mind off of everything out of my control. I had control over school, yearbook, and the other gazillion things I did.

I'm not sure I completely agree with all this psychoanalytic babble, but I do think there can be a lot of truth in it. The problems come when you try to make sweeping generalities. I would like to think that people's desire to overcome adversity can be stronger than anything they are put up against, but then again, I don't think I would have been able to get where I am today without the support of my father and extended family. Obviously I can do nothing other than speculate, and the "what ifs" accomplish nothing. Instead, I'm just extremely grateful that I had so many people who cared about me and helped me be who I am today. I guess my optimism has seen me through...

Ok, enough inner ramblings--time to get back to work!

Right on Target

I am finally in a good place. I'm confident about my major, ambitions, and the overall direction my life is taking. I'm well on my way to being caught up and making this semester a successful one. I have a job that will be both a challenge and contribute to my future. I'm comfortable with myself and know that I am becoming who I want to be. I finally feel in control of my life.

Now if only I could control how quickly my cold will clear up...

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler. ~Henry David Thoreau

Time to re-prioritize

Sometimes I wish I liked things being slow, because then maybe I'd build some pure relaxation time into my schedule.

Things have been--as usual--busy. I just keep waiting for things to calm down, and I'm realizing now that they aren't going to unless I make it. I also had an earth shattering epiphany while making one of my numerous trek back to north: I have my priorities all out of wack. It was one of those DUH! moments where I can't believe I hadn't seen this sooner. Currently I have been operating with my priorities being: AIESEC, RAing, School, Health (ie. sleep). In any logical sense the list ought to be flipped completely around, and I'm going to force myself to set things right.

My health should always come first, if for no other reason than I don't function as well when I'm rundown and/or sick. This means establishing a routine sleep schedule and sticking to it. No more of these averagingfourhoursanight weeks for me. I can't do it any more. My body can't (and shouldn't have to) take it.

Second should be school. I know this seems like common sense, but its so easy to push off reading and half-ass things when you know you can get away with it. I have no doubt I could slide by continuing to do what I've been doing, but that's not what I want. I didn't work my ass off to get into Cornell so that I could kill off all my brain cells. I'm not paying 40,000 a year to just slide by. I'm here because I worked hard to get here and because I want to continue working hard, graduate, and make something of my life, end of story.

Third, in order to do all that I need to make sure I can continue to stay here, and that means making sure my finances are in order. That's why I'm an RA. Not to mention that my actions are affecting others. My kids depend on me to be available for them, and when I'm not around I'm not being an effective RA. I'm not getting a free room for nothing and I need to ensure I keep my job as well as make McLLU kickass.

AIESEC, while near and dear to my heart (isn't that the understatement of the century...), cannot take over my life, no matter how much I want it to. I have to make time for the more important things in life and let @ be a part of my life instead of consume it. Its hard, but I'm going to have to let go a little bit, put my OCD tendencies aside and let AIESEC continue to be student run by being a student first and foremost.

Of course, this by no means is saying I'm going to let my passion for @ die down, in fact its quite the opposite. Instead, I'm going to try to put the passion back into the other areas of my life and give them as much effort and dedication as I do @.

The past few weeks have been crazy and fun, but no its time to get back to reality and back to my books. Overall, I need to buckle down for the rest of the semester, especially if I have any hope of going to We Grow in November. In order to go, all finances aside, I'll need to work ahead. Staying on top of my shit isn't going to be easy, and it sure as hell won't be fun, but its starting this weekend and its starting with swearing off drinking until Fall Break.

Running on E...

Excitement. Enthusiasm. Expectations. Endorphins. Exuberance.

You can take your pick. I have no idea where the Energy is coming from, but somehow I just keep making it through each and every day. By all means I should have lost it long ago, not to mention gotten sicker than sick due to sleep deprivation, but its like my body realizes that this is all very important to me and has succumb to all the shit I'm putting myself through. I do believe though, that when life finally calms down to even a little less than overextending myself, I'll end up with some nasty version of the frosh plague. Just fair warning for all those who'll be around me in a few weeks.

One thing that blows me away is how amidst all the stress and the craziness of @, RAing, and class, I'm still finding time to think, and like actuall think. I feel like I've learned more about myself these past few weeks than anything else and I don't think this would have been possible without overwhelming myself to the verge of breaking over and over again.

I feel like we spend most of our lives avoiding stress. I, however, seem to seek it out and thrive on it. Maybe that makes me a masochist, maybe that makes me a basketcase. But whatever you classify that as, it seems to work for me. I've realized that if there isn't enough craziness and stress already in my life, I will go out and find it. Anything less than a jam-packed schedule feels empty and like a waste of time. Sure, I'd love to be able to slow everything down and just "enjoy" the peace and quiet, but that isn't where I am in my life right now. I enjoy living each and every moment to the fullest, to the point where most of the time I am on the breaking point. I know this probably isn't the healthiest, and I'll ultimately end up giving myself another ulcer, but what can I say, I'm a "Type A" personality and I need the constant stimulation in my life to keep me going.

This kind of relates to what I think is the biggest realization I've had about myself this week: I do not allow myself to get attached easily to anyone. However, I open up very quickly to people and have a lot of faith and trust in them right from the start. I think most people confuse the second as implying attachment, however for me it is a form against it. The reason I try to bond so quickly with people is because I know that at any point they could be ripped from my life and I want to savor every moment I do have with them. Once again, this probably isn't a healthy approach, but I seem to have a real tough time actually letting my guard down and allowing myself to become attached to people because that implies vulnerability and, let's face it, no one likes to be vulnerable. Freud would assuredly attribute all this to my childhood and experiences growing up, and for the first time I think I might actually buy into that.

I've spent so long running from my past and trying to prove that I've overcome it, when in reality it is all part of who I am. The summer before college, my friend told me that it seemed like I was out to prove something and I think I finally understand what that something was. I was trying to prove that my past was not who I was--that I had made it through completely unscathed and would be damned if I let familial problems get in the way of me accomplishing what I wanted. I cannot change the experiences I've had and I sure as hell can't change decisions still affecting my life that I had no control over. It's completely frustrating, but it's the truth. Maybe "overcoming" the past is really just learning how to accept it as a chapter of your life without allowing it to rewrite your whole story.

Sorry for the long post, but its been a while and I needed to get this all out there.

The farther behind I leave the past, the closer I am to forging my own character. ~Isabelle Eberhardt