Murph is my hero for finding this...

Mr. Artesians's Conscientiousness
by Ogden Nash

Once there was a man named Mr. Artesian and his activity was tremendous,
And he grudged every minute away from his desk because the importance of his work was so stupendous;

And he had one object all sublime,
Which was to save simply oodles of time.

He figured that sleeping eight hours a night meant that if he lived to be seventy-five he would have spent twenty-five years not at his desk but in bed,
So he cut his slumber to six hours which meant he only lost eighteen years and nine months instead,

And he figured that taking ten minutes for breakfast and twenty minutes for luncheon and half an hour for dinner meant that he spent three years, two months and fifteen days at the table,
So that by subsisting solely on bouillon cubes which he swallowed at his desk to save this entire period he was able,

And he figured that at ten minutes a day he spent a little over six months and ten days shaving,
So he grew a beard, which gave him a considerable saving,

And you might think that now he might have been satisfied, but no, he wore a thoughtful frown,
Because he figured that at two minutes a day he would spend thirty-eight days and a few minutes in elevators just travelling up and down,

So as a final time saving device he stepped out the window of his office, which happened to be on the fiftieth floor,
And one of his partners asked "Has he vertigo?" and the other glanced out and down and said "Oh no, only about ten feet more."

Searching for that ray of hope

These past few days have been filled with so much excitement, anxiety, and sleep deprivation that it has been one rollercoaster ride of energy and emotion.

I spent all of yesterday organizing. Organizing my room, my stuff, my thoughts, my life...just organizing. And while I feel slightly better due to my physical space being less chaotic, I have realized that I am completely and utterly drained--mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like I need to just step out of my life for a while, chill, and then come back to pick up this mess.

At this point I am beginning to feel like the universe is working against me. I thought it was bad enough that my financial aid package was fucked up and that suddenly working over the summer and being an RA work against you in the federal aid world, but the worst part is I lost my work study portion which is the only way I can continue to intern at HSC. I don't even care about the financial implications of all this shit. What's killing me is that I lost my job. My perfect, wonderful, amazing job that I absolutely loved and was learning so much from. My job that made me feel appreciated, made me feel like I could do something to help in the community, my job that introduced and connected me to the Ithaca beyond Cornell. How can the fucking federal government snap its fingers and take that away from me? It still seems surreal and I'm waiting for it to finally set in that the perfect internship has slipped through my fingers and there is nothing I can do about it.

I pride myself on being an optimist, but how on earth can I look on the bright side of this? There is no job that can compare to HSC, not to mention it meshed perfectly with my academic schedule. So now I'm on the search for an on-campus job that I can do weekday mornings and doesn't require work study--Talk about added stress! I haven't even had time to think about @! (which obviously means I haven't had a single free moment) And I'm starting to wonder if I've gotten myself in over my head...

Hopefully things will begin to settle down as the freshmen settle in, I find a job, and get the ball rolling on this recruitment drive shizzle! It better...or else I think my brain will turn to mush and I'll be institutionalized for insanity.

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up. ~Anne Lamott

A Wish for Leaders

I sincerely wish that you will have the experience of thinking up a new idea, planning it out, organizing it, and following it to its completion and have it be magnificently successful.

I also hope that you go through the same experience only to have it fail terribly.

I wish that you know what it feels like to try with all your heart, and have it not be enough.

I wish that you could acheive some great good for all mankind and have no one know about it, except you.

I hope you find something so worthwhile that you deem it worthy of investing your life in it.

I hope that you become frustrated and challenged enough to begin to push back the barriers of your own personal limitations.

I hope that you give so much of yourself some days that you wonder if it is worth the effort.

I hope that you make a stupid mistake and get caught redhanded and are big enough to say "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong."

I wish for you a magnificent obsession that will give you reasons to live and purpose and direction for your life.

I wish for you the worst kind of criticism for all that you do, because it will make you fight to acheive beyond what you normally would.

I wish you the experience of leadership.

Amidst this crazy crazy crazy night filled with accidental fire drills, elevator mishaps, and laminating lulls, I have opted to take 5 minutes for myself to collect my thoughts and re-energize. I found this to be incredibly inspirational and was amazed that they distributed this at the RA banquet. Of course my immediate reaction was "@" which only goes to prove that @ really does infiltrate every aspect of your life.

One foot in the future, the other in the past...

Sheer exhaustion. Today I realized that I have been go-go-going for more than 3 full weeks, without a single day to just veg. No wonder my energy level is beginning to reach "E." I can't wait until the Friday madness is over, so that perhaps I can finally take some time out to just chill on Saturday. However, I doubt that will even happen because every waking moment that I'm not busy with RA stuff I need to spend doing @ stuff...*sigh,* it will never end.

On a positive note, I spent a long time thinking last night and this morning about where I'm heading. This is perhaps the first time I've been able to set realistic goals for the future without focusing on the past. It felt real good to develop a plan for the upcoming year. If all else fails, atleast I'll have my plan to turn to and hopefully motivate me to get back on track.

I also have been tossing around the whole double majoring thing. I really love PAM and I can definately see the dots connecting me from PAM to my future. But Human Development could put a nice spin on the economically based aspects of PAM. I really feel that HD would flush out PAM and give me the base I need to do just about anything. I started counting up credits and I think it would be do-able but very tight. I would have to pretty much take a minimum of 5 classes each semester until I graduate and don't think I'd have room in my schedule for Spanish after this year. Officially HumEc doesn't let you double major, but I say screw the rules and I'll do as I please. A diploma, afterall, is just a piece of paper; it's the knowledge that matters. If I don't double major then I'll definately have a concentration in HD or w/e its called.

So many decisions, so many more ahead...

Before you begin a thing, remind yourself that difficulties and delays quite impossible to foresee are ahead. If you could see them clearly, naturally you could do a great deal to get rid of them but you can't. You can only see one thing clearly and that is your goal. Form a mental vision of that and cling to it through thick and thin. ~Kathleen Norris

Look. Listen. Choose. Act.

Integrity. It's not something I really have given much thought to over the past year and to be honest I really didn't see myself caring about it at this point in my life. Sure, sitting in the "Leading with Integrity" "sesh-wahn" the first day of training seemed somewhat of a joke with all the corny little excercises, but one thing stuck: If your beliefs and values don't match your actions, what does that mean about you as a person?

Its all a matter of what psychologists call "cognitive dissonance." Theoretically I have to change either my belief or my action in order to relieve this dissonance and settle my own mind. But all theories aside, don't I want what I say I'm all about to actually be what I really am about? How can I say I value honesty if I continuously lie? How can I say I value hard work and dedication if I procrastinate or do a half-assed job? I can't have the best of both worlds without facing the consequences of this dissonance. Up to this point I really didn't have any issues with it because it had never caused problems, but what happens when someone finally does call me out on something? I've never been the type of person to accept the "do as i say, not as i do" bullshit from anyone, so why would I want to be hypocritical and do the same thing?

This extends far beyond being a RA and is deeply rooted in how I want to live my life. I do want what I say I'm all about to be reflected in how I live my life, so I guess the first step is in figuring out what it is that I stand for. I've grown up a lot the past year and I don't think I've really reflected on what my views and values are, versus what my family, mentors and friends have drilled into me the past 19 years.

Its time for some serious reflection.

You're alive. Do something. The directive in life, the moral imperative was so uncomplicated. It could be expressed in single words, not complete sentences. It sounded like this: Look. Listen. Choose. Act. ~Barbara Hall

A lot on my mind

These past few weeks have just flown by and yet it seems as though an eternity has passed. It amazes me how time can mess with your brain like that and get you all confused. I feel like so much has happened and so much has changed since I came back from Maryland almost 2 weeks ago.

Major events:
1. Almost died from a stomach bug on the ride back to Roch
2. Miraculously recovered enough to return to Ithaca and pack up
3. Moved out of my apartment and into DU (thanks Syd and Luke!)
4. Left for SSC and rocked out in Fort Wayne for 8 days
5. Returned to Ithaca and moved all my shit from DU into my dorm at 1am (for the record I am irrational...)
6. Finished up my internship for the summer :(
7. Kicked off RA training (DMC--bigger is better! whatwhat!)

I've had so many reflective discussions about SSC that a blog entry seems irrelevant at this point. What I will say is that I had several important realizations and met some of the most incredible people. As if I wasn't already hooked enough, I now know that AIESEC will most assuredly consume the majority of my college career and this no longer scares me. I just hope I don't let RA duty and academics slide to the back burner because of it.

I really love DMC, but I must say that after spending a week sitting through @ sessions, the RA training just seems trivial. This year's theme is Leadership--It's Elemental, which makes me even more sure that Cornell is run by science nerds (surprise, surprise!) Today was all about leading through integrity and the external was good, but she couldn't hold a candle to David Pollay (sp?) and his session. The level of discussion and passion in the room was just so far beneath anything @ers would tolerate that I was disengaged. I'm beginning to become a bit of an @ snob i suppose. Not sure if thats a good thing or a bad thing just yet...

Peace is not a relationship of nations. It is a condition of mind brought about by a serenity of soul. Peace is not merely the absence of war. It is also a state of mind. Lasting peace can come only to peaceful people. ~Jawaharlal Nehru