So much for a recruitment and marketing transition meeting...


I'm too tired to vent...why can't we all just get along?

Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life. ~Joan Lunden

Step back in time...

Did you ever stop to think where you were exactly a year ago?

Saturday 6/25/05: my infamous 98 degrees and rising, overly humid grad party that my stepmom spent countless hours organizing, and to which over 75 relatives and family friends attended.

Sunday 6/26/05: the big day. Donning my bright blue cap and gown, I sat in the stuffy and crowded Eastman Theatre waiting to walk across the stage, shake the hand of my principal, and receive that piece of paper that was supposedly "worth" all the time and effort I had put into the past four years.

Monday 6/27/05- Friday 8/19/05: Back to reality, which translates to hell-on-earth living at home and a boring job, sprinkled with moments of sheer joy and intellectually/ philosophically stimulating conversations with my high school friends.

And now, now I'm so confused about where I'm going with my life. High school made sense: school all day, clubs in the afternoon, work in the evening, and homework til I had to get up and start it all over again. College is different. Exactly a year ago I could tell you where I wanted to be in 10 years, what I would be doing profession-wise, and where I saw myself heading in the future. Somewhere between August and now everythings changed. No more law school, no more politics. I have no idea what I want to do with my life and the scariest part is that all the things I never saw myself doing are the things that interest me most now.

HSC perplexes me. Nearly all of the full-time employees have some sort of degree from Cornell. One of the other interns put it best: "At HSC we have the most overqualified, underpaid people in the county." I'm slowly falling for the small NGO way. Its laidback, rewarding, and reassuring that people actually do care. I'm not sure why, but this scares me. It really shouldn't, but I feel like I chose to go to Cornell because I saw it as an investment: I would get myself into oodles of debt but then get a really great job and make tons of money to pay it off. What if I get roped in by the HSC and stay there post graduation, like Liz? I'm not even sure that this would be a bad thing...

So what if I don't make tons of money? I've always put up the front that its not about the money; its all about enjoying what I do. But I wouldn't mind financial security. Debt scares me. Not being able to save for retirement scares me. But doing something I don't feel good about scares me more than any of that.

Real success is finding your lifework in the work that you love. ~ David McCullough

Read: The t-shirts and bumper stickers don't lie. Ithaca really is gorges.

High school friends + sunshine + adventures in the gorges = my best sober saturday

:)

Summer afternoon--summer afternoon...the two most beautiful words in the English language. ~Henry James

Catch Up

That's what I've been playing the past week...catching up with family, Webster kiddos, EGS ladies, and even CU pals. Yes, it's been a lot of late night talks combined with birthday festivities and hours upon hours of reflection.

It's almost like this past weekend it finally hit me--I'm in freakin Ithaca. I'm not at Cornell, partying it up with the McLLU crew. I'm not at home, hanging out in the Web. I'm really and truly here for the summer. I started questioning if I made the right choice in staying here...I mean I was afraid of how the summer would go if things were weird with my friends from home. While this wasn't my main motivation for staying here, it played a much larger role than I would ever admit.

I didn't think I could handle realizing that we had all grown apart and were no longer the tight knit circle of friends we were in high school. That the awkwardness would force us to live in memories from the good 'ole Webster days. I would rather forego the summer back home and the risk of this dreaded outcome, than see it as an opportunity to build stronger and more lasting friendships with certain people. I think I saw Ithaca as an escape, an easy out from being forced to deal with a situation I had anticipated and feared all year--returning home.

Being able to see my friends all together for the first time since January really made me regret staying here. The funniest part is that the people I felt closest to Saturday night weren't the people I would have expected. Its almost like the people I didn't know as well, or consider close friends in high school, are those I will be closest to in college. If I had stayed at home, if I had a summer to spend time with certain people...I dunno. Its hard to explain because I don't know why this is, but rather just have that feeling. That feeling you get when you know it could be so much more...I'm sure I'm not making much sense, but the lingering "if" statements could kill a person if you think about them for too long.

Regret is not something I am comfortable with, not to mention willing to accept into my life. From my perspective, regret offers nothing, but is quick to destroy the joy of the present through relived misfortunes of the past. Instead, I think it is important to question decisions and actions made for the purpose of learning from them. Afterall, isn't that what life is all about? Living and learning and making the best of every situation.

So, instead of wondering if I made the best decisions regarding my summer (which I inevitably have concluded that I have, due to the fact that I could not stand living with my family again for more than a few days, and would have seriously considered jumping into the gorge over going back to my old job...) I've decided to reflect on what I've learned as a result.

Here goes: 20 Things I've Learned So Far in My Summer in Ithaca (in no particular order)
1. Ithaca is not the shithole we all thought it was.
2. Friends are like shoes: Nothing can ever replace a good match and there is always room in your life for new ones. However, styles change with time, and you are forced to part with certain types and obtain new ones. But, there are certain ones that never go out of style, and others that only become more stylish with time.
3. Birthdays are never really as much fun as you remember them being from when you were a kid. (Chuck E Cheese and DZ for life!)
4. It is much more enjoyable to have a job where you are appreciated and valued.
5. I don't need a TV, especially because I can just as easily watch DVDs on my laptop
6. I get way too excited about the little things in life (new luggage!!!) and not nearly excited enough about others.
7. I'm beginning to not like chocolate as much (*gasp* is this even possible?!?)
8. Having your best friend across the country with a 3 hour time difference makes chatting difficult
9. My parents are way to overprotective and controlling than I am willing to tolerate
10. It sucks to be financially independent
11. It sucks to be financially independent and have tens of thousands of dollars in loans to look forward to paying off after college
12. I've never met an Ithaca College student in Ithaca before this weekend
13. I'm an obsessive compulsive cleaner...that also happens to be too lazy to keep her room clean
14. Doing laundry really is an undesirable chore
15. You can never depend on others to do things the way you want them to be done
16. Most of the time its easier to just do something yourself than to wait for someone else to do it
17. I have no idea what I want to do with my life or what my goals are for the future
18. I had forgotten how much I liked to read until I started reading things for fun again
19. I love the daytime sunshine and a cool summer night breeze
20. Dewitt Park is my new favorite place to chill in Ithaca

I could have easily continued, but instead I think I'll go to sleep. Seeing two of my faves from EGS (Empire Girls' State) made my night and restored my optimistic outlook. Funny how starbucks and catching up can do that, isn't it?

That is what learning is. You suddenly understand something you've understood all your life, but in a new way. ~Doris Lessing

I <3 Rollercoasters

Summerfest was awesome.

Even though we got off to a late start and didn't get to Ohio until after 4:30AM, the three hours of sleep were enough to keep us rip-roaring and ready to rock and rollercoaster all day long. The Michigan @ers are a blast, and it was amazing to be able to meet trainees from around the world. All of the trainees seemed to be enjoying their experience, and talking with them made the whole @XP so real to me. I mean obviously I know that lots of people go on traineeships and yadda-yadda, but for whatever reason this just made it seem real. I mean I wasn't just listening to someone tell me about the traineeship they went on, but rather were on. It was just really cool to see it happening.

The one thing that caught me off guard was that for the most part, the trainees weren't very familiar with @ as an organization and had joined specifically to go abroad. I know that in our LC all new members will go through the general induction so that no matter which part of @ someone participates in, they will at least have the basic knowledge to have a discussion about our organization.

Cedar Point was fun. Overpriced, as with all amusement parks, but at least the rides were good. I'm a sucker for rollercoasters and just about anything that spins you around and/or drops you from an insane height. Lucky for me just about all the rides there fit into that criteria. I still don't understand how I can be so deathly afraid of heights, yet absolutely love the thrill of being strapped into a metal car and dropped 140 feet...

There was this strange cotton stuff that filled the air and looked like snow all throughout the park. It would have been kind of neat if it wasn't for the fact that it set off my allergies like none other and I walked around with puffy watery eyes all day. April even managed to swallow some. Fun stuff.

The evening was ended by campfire food, drinking, a visit from mr. raccoon, the sharing of many stories, lots of laughs, and even a drunken phone call from my favorite californian, melinda. Oh how I do miss her.

Highlights:
"Awkward..."
"OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!"
"Screw Jay! I want the hookah!...on second thoughts, you screw Jay, I'll take the hookah"
"What, is she coughing up a hairball?"
"Three to one odds"
"That's right, you can all eat crow"
"Ohi:yo'"
"Don't go aww and say its cute! Throw something at it or else it'll get the food!"
"All of Pinar's stories are heresay; that's why I can tell them just as well as she can, even if I wasn't there"
"Jesus gives extreme makeovers" (on a billboard)

The ride back included almost running out of gas somewhere in rural NY hicksville. Instead, we wound up in the very religious town of Findley Lake...twice. Yes, somehow we managed to not only NOT find gas in what Pinar is convinced is the KKK infested segment of the state (according to her they migrated here from PA), we took the next exit, got our gas, went in the opposite direction on 86, and didn't realize it until we had passed the exit for Findley Lake and wound up back in PA. Needless to say, we added about a half hour onto our trip, but atleast we had some laughs. And just for the record, the car ride kicked ass. We rocked out, made fun of eachother, got lost, and had some of best/funniest conversations I've had in a long time. Roadtrips are awesome.

Let me just say, 80s music rocks and anyone who thinks differently obviously has poor taste in music.

In summer, the song sings itself. ~William Carlos Williams

Agents of Change

These past few days have been so hectic, that I haven't even had a chance to post about it all. Anyways, Pinar and I are finally all settled into our new apartment and surprisingly I haven't killed her yet. I know, I know, everyone thought we'd have torn eachother apart by now, but aside from minor battles involving the garbage and other grotesque chores, we've managed to get along quite well.

Work was, well, interesting to say the least. I started at the Human Services Coalition of Tompkins County yesterday as their Planning and Coordinating Intern. I'm still not exactly sure what that means, but hopefully I'll figure it out soon enough. My first day was a bit overwhelming and I was basically bombarded with a whole bunch of information that confused the heck out of me. Today, however, went much more smoothly and I was able to work on my own for the most part. The position is relatively unstructured, so I'm really responsible for finding my own things to do unless my supervisor gives me something specific.

So today Lena (another intern) and I were working on the HSC's database and updating it the majority of the time we were there. I spent the entire morning researching banks in the Ithaca area and finding all their contact information so that we can make sure all of our records and mailing lists are up-to-date. It sounds boring, but believe it or not, it was actually kind of cool to become familiar with the banks in the area and I literally had to hunt through websites to see which banks merged, which have left the area, etc. After feeling a sense of accomplishment and much more comfortable with the database, this afternoon I proceeded to sift through food pantry records and start updating realtor lists. If nothing else, I have a feeling I'll be much more familiar with the public services in Tompkins County by the end of the summer.

Another cool program that I'll be working with is the Homeless and Housing Task Force, which looks closely at the large number of homeless in Tompkins County (Tompkins has the largest percentage of people living below the poverty line in the state, with the exception of NYC) and looks to find them affordable permanent housing. Of course it supports shelters and things of that nature, but its main goal is in long term solutions which will inevitably help in much greater ways.

I'm beginning to really understand why someone would devote their entire life to a lower paying, community serving career. Its not necessarily that they're "feel-good" jobs, but rather that the people recognize that there is a need in the community that is not being met and that if they don't work to fulfill that need, no one else will. Its not about making yourself feel good; its about making sure people have access to the things they need to survive and making sure they have the resources available to them to better themselves and if you feel good about yourself in the meantime, well then thats just an unexpected and added bonus. Because in reality, the most important jobs in a community don't get the most respect. In our society, look at how we view and treat manual laborers, garbage collectors, janitors, even teachers and so many more. These jobs aren't always rewarding positions, yet society could not function without them! It's like Detective Bensen said on Law and Order: SVU, when Casey asked why she continues to do her job when it is so taxing and unfulfilling: "Because somebody has to." Its about recognizing the need, taking responsibility for your role in the community, and deciding to do something about it.

Its kind of parallels @ in many ways. You have to be a leader and decide to take responsibility. Its not easy and its not always pleasant, but you just have to keep in mind the reasons why you became involved in the first place and remember that you are working to create change.

Anyways, I really didn't mean for this entry to go in this direction, but I started going off on a tangent and it just kind of took hold. Funny how most things in life relate back to @, huh?

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. ~Margaret Mead