Home is where your heart is?

I never thought 5 days could feel like 5 weeks. I don't know what was worse, finals or trying to get all my crap in order to leave Cornell, go home to unpack and repack, and then truck it all back to Ithaca just a week later.

If anything good has come out of these past few days, its the assurance that I made the right decision about staying in Ithaca for the summer. I've always known my family is enough to drive any person insane, but its just so much more difficult living with them after being away for so long. I feel like I don't belong here, like I don't fit. My dad even forgot to set out a place setting for me when he was setting the table. Ouch. Its no longer my home, but my parents. The scary part is that I've even caught myself saying "when I go back home..." referring to Ithaca.

Now I wouldn't go as far as saying Ithaca is home. More like its my temporary place of residence. Going off that, I guess you could say I don't really have a home now. I'm homeless not in the sense that I don't have a roof over my head, but that I don't feel attached to a certain physical location. Rather, my current "home" is defined by certain people. The people with whom I feel comfortable talking to, getting advice from, and who aren't necessarily geographically close to me.

I'm in that in-between stage where I'm no longer a child living with my parents, but I'm not quite an adult and ready for full independence. Being stuck in this limbo can be frustrating as hell, but it definitely has its perks. I'm responsible for no one but myself, still have some support from my parents, am expected to make huge mistakes, and know that if I really screw up, someone will be there to help me pick up the pieces. There will always be consequences for bad decisions, but its almost like when you're in college the consequences to most things are softened because people (namely parents) realize that you're still growing up and are bound to have a few mishaps along the way.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that growing up sucks and can be great all at the same time. The important thing is to place your emphasis on the great parts and try to minimize the suckiness, and that is a major reason why I'm staying in Ithaca this summer, to avoid the suckiness I associate with living at "home."

My home is not a place, it is people. ~Lois McMaster Bujold

Kiss today goodbye, the sweetness and the sorrow...

Today was an incredibly emotional extension to our hilariously wild last night as freshmen, to say the least. Moving out of our little, allbeit smelly, hallway and saying a very teary goodbye to two of my very best friends was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

Freshman year was so fantastic, that I doubt anything could possibly top it. However, with a little less RA-ing, a little more @-ing, and lots more parties w/Mel and the gang, perhaps Sophomore year could bring even more exciting and interesting times.

Young people are in a condition like permanent intoxication, because youth is sweet and they are growing. ~Aristotle

Aiming for Optimism

I was sorting through my books the other day, deciding which ones to sell back and which ones to keep, when a small piece of paper fell out of one of them and fluttered to the floor. When I picked it up, I couldn't help but smile. It was a small clipping from a magazine article labeled 10 Success Killers, that my grandma had cut out and given to me earlier this year. Its funny how little things like that turn up when you need them the most.

10 Success Killers
1. Comparing yourself with someone else
2. Not facing your fears
3. Leaving a job undone
4. Feeling sorry for yourself
5. Speaking like Ozzy Ozbourne
6. Dressing like Anna Nicole Smith
7. Saying you hate computers
8. Not staying in touch with family
9. Saying "I can't"
10. Having more regrets than dreams

I especially like number 9 because it is so much harder--if not damn near impossible--to succeed with a negative attitude. If nothing else, facing the world with an optimistic outlook is just more fun. I'd much rather be focusing on the good in a situation or outcome rather than worrying about all the things that have or could go wrong. Where's the fun in that? Sure, even I have my pessimistic lapses, but for the most part I consider myself an optimist.

For myself I am an optimist--it does not seem to be much use being anything else. ~Sir Winston Churchill

Changes

Such an emotional, but exciting week. I'm sitting in my room watching from my window as my friends and other freshmen load up their cars and leave for the summer. Each suitcase and over-anxious parent is a reminder that come Friday night/ Saturday morning our hallway will be completely cleared out. I know I'm only moving around the corner (which is two rooms away), but that is beside the point. McLLU is going to be awesome next year, of this I'm sure. (I mean with me as an RA, how could it not be?!?) But it will definitely be lacking that familiar feel the first few weeks without my partners-in-crime Melinda and Tiffany. Saying goodbye to them is going to be the worst, especially knowing Tiff won't be coming back next semester.

You would think that by this time I'd be ready to get the heck out of Ithaca. A year, heck two months ago, I would have told you there was no way I would stay here for the summer. My friends are too important, I've spent way too much time here, there's nothing to do in Ithaca, my family needs me, etc. Its funny how things can change so quickly. Some may see that as a bad thing, but I view it as a relief. Its refreshing to know that there is some unpredictability and spontaneity in life. It keeps things exciting and makes life interesting.

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better. ~King Whitney Jr.