Searching for that ray of hope

These past few days have been filled with so much excitement, anxiety, and sleep deprivation that it has been one rollercoaster ride of energy and emotion.

I spent all of yesterday organizing. Organizing my room, my stuff, my thoughts, my life...just organizing. And while I feel slightly better due to my physical space being less chaotic, I have realized that I am completely and utterly drained--mentally, physically, emotionally. I feel like I need to just step out of my life for a while, chill, and then come back to pick up this mess.

At this point I am beginning to feel like the universe is working against me. I thought it was bad enough that my financial aid package was fucked up and that suddenly working over the summer and being an RA work against you in the federal aid world, but the worst part is I lost my work study portion which is the only way I can continue to intern at HSC. I don't even care about the financial implications of all this shit. What's killing me is that I lost my job. My perfect, wonderful, amazing job that I absolutely loved and was learning so much from. My job that made me feel appreciated, made me feel like I could do something to help in the community, my job that introduced and connected me to the Ithaca beyond Cornell. How can the fucking federal government snap its fingers and take that away from me? It still seems surreal and I'm waiting for it to finally set in that the perfect internship has slipped through my fingers and there is nothing I can do about it.

I pride myself on being an optimist, but how on earth can I look on the bright side of this? There is no job that can compare to HSC, not to mention it meshed perfectly with my academic schedule. So now I'm on the search for an on-campus job that I can do weekday mornings and doesn't require work study--Talk about added stress! I haven't even had time to think about @! (which obviously means I haven't had a single free moment) And I'm starting to wonder if I've gotten myself in over my head...

Hopefully things will begin to settle down as the freshmen settle in, I find a job, and get the ball rolling on this recruitment drive shizzle! It better...or else I think my brain will turn to mush and I'll be institutionalized for insanity.

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up. ~Anne Lamott